Two Dark Nights

Hushh…. Shhh shhh shhh…

His voice was heavy, silencing the voice around him he put one of his fingers on his lips, feeling his fast paced breaths – shaky and terrified.

After all this time, here he stood, in this dark room – shady, cold, untouched – he stood with him.

Stop crying. He shouted. It’s going to be over soon. I’d say soon before you know but then I won’t lie. It’s not going to be that soon. No. I won’t be making it that easy for you.

His nerves filled with vicious memories, with his dark imaginings and his presence and helplessness made every feeling worthy somehow.

There was a tension in the atmosphere and then there was a desire. There was silence for a minute or two but it didn’t last long.

I want you to live this moment. I want you to suffer. Inch by inch, every moment will remind of what you did and I’ll rejoice as you cry loud and louder in pain, begging for mercy.

I want you to live the moment you die.But don’t let my words fool you. You’d want to die many times before I am done with you tonight. So strap in.

He burst out in laughter. Ironical to his senses which only wanted to let out the anger in him. His eyes spoke what his veins denied to show, and everything cooled his sense of being and his soul. He breathed every single time he hesitated.

“Sorry, forgive me, I forgot you are already strapped in.” He said grinning at his face looking at him strapped to the chair from which he was constantly trying to escape. Every time he moved he tried a little harder, moving his whole body, using every muscle in his body to free himself but none of it was doing him any good.

On the other hand he was enjoying every moment of it. He was relishing looking at his face which was filled with thousands of expressions– desperateness, frightened, tired, terrified yet challenging somehow restless to get out from there.

Ahh…. How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t try, give in to it. Trust me it is better that way. Enjoy your suffering, don’t fight back.

He suddenly moves close to him and stares him right into his eyes that are full of tears, anguish, pain and anger. “Tell me, do you feel it? Do you feel the pain, the feeling of helplessness?” He whispers into his ears.

Can you see all your world disappear from your sight while you desperately try to hold on, to think of ways to escape this, only to find that there is no way out of it.
This is how it feels. It is happening.No one’s coming here. No one, to save you.Yeah. You heard that. No one to save you, no one to disturb us.

He gives in and starts crying. Somehow the eyes that moments ago were full of anger were begging for mercy now.His lips shivering, his hands constantly trying to slip away, his face trying not to give up and show the real feelings hidden inside but now he was done. He was scared, the reality of what was happening to him became clear.

For him it was different. Every single second, as the clock ticked by, it was happening, like a dream come true. He could feel himself again seeing him suffer and struggle. He lived as he saw him trying to survive somehow.

Oh no no no, look at yourself, all sweaty, eyes full of tears.You see I want you to die several deaths before I kill you. Do you remember? Or have you forgotten? He said, his voice growing harsh. This time his voice had more pain than hatred for him.

He spoke without letting out his breath. Talking like he had wanted to do this all his life, making him shiver and beg for his life.

Did you think you’d get away from it? Just like that? Facing no repercussions of what you did? Hey, look at me, tell me now were you really naïve enough to believe that? Well you almost did, didn’t you? But then your happy days are over and trust me the bad ones would be too when I am done with you.

Constantly moving back and forth across the room, screaming and shouting at him every now and then keeping his sight fixed at his face, feeling disgust and happiness at the same time he continued to torture him. There was a pool of blood under the chair he was tied to. He looks at the blood and smiles. All of it was making him happy. For once in the past two years, for once after that day his eyes were sparkling. But it wasn’t joy that made his eyes shine. He wasn’t happy, he was satisfied. It was satisfaction that made him smile and grin. The day had come. Revenge would be his.

Hey, hey hey…. He shouted at him patting him on his face. Are you losing consciousness? No no no no. Not yet, not just yet. He shook him worried that he might lose his senses. You have to be awake, listen. I am about to tell you a tale.

Unresponsive he sat there on the chair, strapped to it with a piece of cloth inside his mouth and tape preventing it from coming outside. He feared he was out of his senses and to wake him up he pressed hard on one of his several wounds. He regained consciousness shouting, begging for mercy once again. The piece of cloth did less to hide his pain and seeing him crying and fighting with pain made him happy and feel alive.

Yeah, a tale, he continued as if nothing happned.

Think it of as a bed time story if you will, a story I tell you before I put you to sleep. His eyes sad looking into the other’s scared.

Yeah. You get it don’t you? I am going to tell you my story. You see, I’d like you to remember what brought you to this. I think you might have forgotten but then I doubt it. Still I don’t care, I think you’d like to hear what you shouldn’t have done. I think you should refresh your memories with the details so that you succumb to the feeling of guilt even before I kill you.

Wasn’t it a night like this? Full moon, quiet but chaotic?

He began moving towards the window moving away from him remembering his darkest memories, the ones that made him what he was now.

Oh yes, it was, I remember. I remember it quite well. How can I forget Confidence broke into his voice and his eyes saddened – lost in the thoughts – recalling his nightmares, he started talking,

“After all, I lost everything I had, that night and you helped them take it away from me.”

…….To be continued.

–Md Saemul Haque Noori

Edited by– Cauvery Chauhan

Image Credit- Helen Rushbrook

Heaven and a Sinner

When I too long have looked upon your face,
I fear it is the end
For it is nothing but heavenly,
And then I fear it more
For I am a sinner.

©Md.S.H.Noori

Hope

There is this silence,
Silence that oddly enough, I can hear.
There is this calmness,
Calmness that today, I fear.
There is this truth that’s just not true
and all these people around me
beaten black and blue.
How did it come to this, I have no clue.
All there is left is hope;
Hope that things will be good once again,
The hope that all these efforts won’t go in vain.

©Md. Saemul Haque Noori

Essence of life

I walked a mile and thought that it is all about  fun,

But when I walked another I saw that there was none.

Then I saw some running past me

And I thought that it is all about getting there first.

I ran past all of them and even then I couldn’t quench the thirst.

Taken aback, I fell inside a pit of infinite depth

And there were many falling with me.

Some were crying some were almost dead.

Then I saw something and it blew my head,

Amongst those falling with me, some kept smiling

And all of a sudden they were helped out.

That is when I knew what it is all about,

It’s about finding peace wherever we are.

Walking that last mile with satisfaction to the end,

Is what life is all about, that’s all my feeble mind could comprehend.

 

©MD. Saemul Haque Noori

 

The final chapter.

Ask me and I’ll tell you how easy it was,

Ask me and I’ll tell you how happy I am, how happy I was.

I still remember the days when the sky was blue

And there was still some green in the grass.

Oh how beautiful were those days when,

I didn’t need to maintain this façade.

Funny it is how it seems to be a memory from the past,

even though I lived it in every moment that passed.

Its been a year since I have been faking it all

And it hasn’t done me any good.

I keep wondering if it time to stop,

Maybe I should.

It has been a year since I have smiled,

Yet it’s all you see me do every day.

And it’s been a year since I have cried,

But it is all I I do every day.

But I don’t think I can take it anymore,

So look away for its summer and it may not rain,

Look away for its time I give in to this gut wrenching pain.

Look away now for it is time I cry,

And don’t you dare stop me, don’t you ever try,

For it is all I can do now.

For this is all I count on somehow.

Though I know what I mourn for,

I still wonder why I cry for the things that are now in the past.

For since the beginning I have known the fact that,

Nothing beautiful ever lasts.

I have heard love makes people lose their mind, doesn’t it?

Now I know it for sure,

Haven’t I been writing all this for you, knowing that you won’t read it?

 

© Md. Saemul Haque Noori

None for eternity

No one told me I would suffer,

No one told me I would grieve.

Even though it feels that my days are numbered

Hope, stops my soul each time it is about to leave.

Though every second passed by like years,

It seems like only yesterday when this story had begun.

For ages, I feared a reality when a time will come when you will be gone,

And see I was right, and so were my fears.

So lead me to the one whom I have to curse for this

But I know you won’t, for there is no one else to curse, but me.

Oh what a fool I was to dream of such reality

Where all I had was you and all you wanted was me.

Laugh if you may,

Mock me; I will be a fool if you say.

The truth is this and it may never change,

I have loved someone dearly

And today, that someone is fading away.

Still somehow I continue to carry on,

And I want it all the same;

I want to feel the skin that’s not mine to touch,

And I want to feel the love that’s not mine to feel.

But I try to stop for now it is time,

For I hear the wounds of love are not easy to heal.

I am not hopeless, even though it may seem like it,

It is just that I know, no matter how hard I try,

From this truth I can’t ever run.

I have been waiting for someone,

That I know will never come.

And if that’s not true prove to me that I am in the wrong,

Say that you will be with me,

And say that with all certainty.

And I promise you there will be no misery,

None, for eternity.

©Md. Saemul Haque Noori

The Sweetest Song.

I find myself lost amongst the crowd

Desperately trying to hide all my pain by a shroud.

Though I have been alone all my life,

These days loneliness stings like I am stabbed by a knife.

Knowing that in no time you will be gone,

Tell me, how can I just carry on?

That’s why I wish I would have never loved you,

But some things you can’t undo.

It is me who knew what we had was rare,

And with it, there was nothing that could compare.

Though I can keep trying looking for love all my life

I know I won’t find it while I am alive.

Because no one can fill the void you left,

The day you left.

And that’s when I wish I could forget how happy you made me

But some things you can’t do.

Things are getting hard for me and now I know

It is finally time for me to let you go.

For I know that no matter what I do,

Sometime soon you will be in a stranger’s bed.

And it is in those moments that I wish that I were dead

But when have I wanted something that I could get?

That’s when I wish I could turn off my feelings for you,

But some things you can’t do.

I don’t know who I am without you,

But it won’t hurt to know.

And that’s why I beg you,

Get out from my thoughts.

Leave me alone, just go.

© Md. Saemul Haque Noori

Not a survivor.

IN A CONVERSATION WITH A RAPE SURVIVOR....

She says; it’s been a year yet it still feels the same,

I wish there were more who understood my pain.

Hiding from everyone, I move around the town 

Those who don’t know me go by unnoticed

But how can I miss the ones with frowns.

Though it seems that I am made of steel and stones,

 believe me I am one of you made of blood and bones.

And no matter where I go and what I do,

The ghost of the past seems to haunt me every day.

That unfortunate night when I crossed path with those Satan’s mate,

I seem to forget, remind me how was it my mistake?

For all I know that was fate.

Listening to her; made my heart groan with pain

And I wish there was something I could do for her;

And somehow make happiness rain.

Still if you don’t get it, don’t ask me how.

She was never a survivor,

but a victim then and a victim now.

 

   © MD. Saemul Haque Noori

Dead inside.

Staring at the window in the dark

with a box of tissue by my side, I tried to cry

but the tears didn’t fall even though I tried.

So I tried to smile instead

but how could I if I am dead inside?

© Md Saemul Haque Noori

If Only..

There you were, ready to leave

And there I stood with my hear weaved.

Putting myself together I saw you go

How much it hurt me,

I always wanted you to know.

But something in the moment didn’t seem right

Could it be that I wasn’t the only one to cry?

Now that I know that it was like so,

I wish that either one of us could let go

Of the secrets which our hearts had concealed.

I wonder what our life would have been

If both our hearts were healed.

©Md. Saemul Haque Noori